Extract from classified communication that took place on 10.09.2010
CJ: Good morning sir, sorry for disturbing you on your day off
PT: Well we can’t do anything about it now, but what you can do is keep it brief – something tells me my golf handicap isn’t going to improve subsequent to this conversation.
CJ: Yes… right, um basically we’ve had reports of multiple movements of individuals in London heading towards the M25 perimeter.
PT: Well forgive me for my ignorance but it is a Friday and any sane individual would probably like to get as far away from this glorious city for the weekend.
CJ: Yes, but um… it’s a bit suspicious
PT: Do elaborate
CJ: Well the reports coming in suggest a coordinated movement of individuals to a set perimeter outside the M25. 28 miles to be exact – they’re all stopping in and around that distance. What’s more is that of the licence plates analysed from CamNet they all appear to have owners with Muslim names.
PT: Next you’ll be telling me that it’s September the 11th and this is some sort of terrorist anniversary plot.
CJ: Well, GCHQ and MI5 are already pursuing several avenues of enquiry. They’re talking about a possible dirty bomb or biologics given the perimeter thing.
PT: So what you’re telling me is that I have to cancel my well earned golfing-trip and assume silver command responsibilities.
CJ: I’m not suggesting anything sir but
PT: Can it! I’m coming over to sort this farce out…
63 mins elapse
PT: This is Chief constable Peter Tennant of the Metropolitan Police, North West branch, registering for the silver command London-wide conference call
SY: Glad you could make it, heard you’re on leave
PT: ‘Was’ on leave Simon, an occupational hazard we must accept for Queen and country, multi-cultural diversity and all that tripe.
SY: Anyways, let me bring you up to speed with the situation. From 10:23 am there has been a significant movement of Muslims from London to an approximate distance of 28 miles outside the M25 perimeter. They are travelling in cars mostly as families but there are individuals and pairs. Background checks on those we have identified show no previous involvement in any terrorist activities.
Possible lines of enquiry at this stage include a dirty bomb, chemical or biological agents or conventional weapons. MI5 are coordinating this together with the armed services and us of course.
However, there is another line of enquiry that is a bit left of field I must admit, and it involves some sort of religious observance marking the end of Ramadhan. Information from patrols apprehending and interviewing selected suspects seems to be driving this notion.
BB: You’re right, that does sound a bit kooky and far-fetched
SY: True, but the fact is that we have no robust evidence for the presence of a plot let alone the presence of a device or devices; there has not been any terrorist chatter on our monitoring in the preceding weeks and the testimony of the sample of suspects seems consistent if somewhat disturbing.
BB: Disturbing in what sense?
SY: Well they seem to suggest that they are travelling to break their fast because they’re not sure if the moon is present in the sky.
PT: ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH?!!!
SY: Well bear with me, it’s a bit complicated. It seems as though a new moon has to be sighted in order to end the month of Ramadhan and signal the start of Eid – the ritual breaking of fast and additional festivities.
BB: But I heard Saudi Arabia have declared it for today
SY: Yes but there are a myriad of Islamic sects and groups out there let alone the Sunni-Shia dynamic and many that don’t follow their Saudi bretheren.
BB: So let me get this straight, there are Muslims who live in London who are apparently unsure about whether a new moon exists despite the fact that aside from the small matter of astronomy, the myriad of satellites and space probes we have actually landed human ****ing beings on it!
SY: Yes well, according to some, there are several moon births essentially depending on where you live in the world. Added to that is the requirement for a sane Muslim to sight it.
PT: So astronomical instruments and satellites are not sane enough for these people, next you’ll be telling me they’re flat-earthers who use camels to ride around and smoke signals to send messages.
SY: Well all this is apparently got to do with interpretations of the Koran and saying of their prophet. It’s quite an interesting theological and jurisprudential area in Islam-
PT: I’m sure we’d all be fascinated if it wasn’t for that fact that we could be dealing with the biggest terrorist catastrophe this country has witnessed! So please, we have heard enough of these ridiculous theories and musings – I want proof otherwise we enact Operation Final Clampdown immediately…
End of available extract