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British Elections… Iraqi Style!

I was speaking to a friend of mine who lives in Iraq this morning and he made the mistake of asking me about the state of politics in the UK after he had heard there was an election. This brought out my mischievous side and I decided to fictionally explain it to him, the only way an Iraqi would understand!

So I started off with “You know Ali, the UK has four regions, England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. The Scots in the North barely consider themselves British, they have their own history and culture and they have been oppressed by the English for centuries, they have managed to get autonomy recently and they have their own Parliament. The Welsh have been oppressed but have realised that they can’t do much and decided to ally themselves with the English to a certain extent. Northern Ireland on the other hand is a disaster, the English forced people to move there and displaced the original Irish people and the region has been a disputed area ever since”. To which he replied “That sounds like Iraq!”

I told him it does not end there, “People are very suspicious of their politicians here, Gordon Brown, a Scot, pretends he’s British, but most of the English do not buy it, they all know he has a separatist agenda for the North, and that is why he wins most of Scotland apart from a few constituencies. David Cameron gets the White English Protestant vote, The English, it seems, have gotten fed up with a Scot leading the government, which pushed the Scots and the Welsh to vote against him in large numbers to ensure he does not implement his plan of a more centralised government out of Westminster. Nick Clegg on the other hand, is a more complex character, he claims to be an atheist, but is married to a Catholic lady, and therefore English Catholics favour him, however people are extremely suspicious of him, he has Dutch and Russian ancestry and his wife is Spanish, and while he has denied his desire to join the Euro, his own manifesto and his background have exposed him as a puppet through which the Europeans look to take over Britain. Moreover, people are extremely anxious that he would be taking orders from the German Pope!”.

“What about Northern Ireland?” he asked. I explained “The Irish had boycotted the political process before and some still refuse to sit in parliament when they get elected and they largely vote along ethnic and sectarian lines too”.

“So what happened with the elections?” he wondered. I answered “Allawi, it is a total mess. No party won a majority, Gordon Brown came in second place and he is refusing to concede and will try everything to hang on to power, David Cameron won most seats and is claiming that he has the right to form the government but it seems that Brown will ally himself with Nick Clegg and agree on making England and Wales a Catholic state ruled by Brussels and the Vatican, while Brown furthers his separatist cause in Scotland, pushing Cameron aside and reducing him to the role of leader of the opposition”.

Ali went quiet, I told him “I wish it stopped there, there have been complaints of fraud and denying the people the right to vote, as there are reports voters were turned away because of the long queues and some polling stations had not updated their voters’ lists. All party leaders have cried foul of the practices and there may be legal challenges against the Electoral Commission”.

Ali could not contain himself any longer and finally shouted “No wonder we have all these problems in Iraq, we’ve learnt it all from you!!!”

 

PS: The characters and events above are purely fictional. Any similarities between them and real individuals and events are purely coincidental!

9 Comments on “British Elections… Iraqi Style!”

  1. Ali D May 7, 2010 at 3:01 pm #

    Haha- this put a smile on my face. Well said Safwan 🙂

  2. fa3il_kheer May 7, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

    this is a rather pointless story to put it politely

  3. Safwan Mudhafar May 7, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

    I am glad you enjoyed it Ali.
    I’m sorry you didn’t fa3il, but thanks for putting it politely 🙂

  4. Ali May 7, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

    On a serious note though, it is really saddening when we compare Gordon Brown’s and David Cameron’s announcements to those of Maliki and Allawi. The incumbent loser Nouri Al-Maliki refuses to acknowledge the results, complains of fraud, holds up the country for months and tries to steal the elections through recounts or disqualifications. Allawi, the winner, believes he has a divine right to rule with 25% of the vote and is making threats to leave the political process and even return to violence if things do not go his way. The British problem will probably be resolved in a few days; the Iraqi one may not be resolved for months yet.

  5. Hayder al-Khoei May 7, 2010 at 5:56 pm #

    lol brilliant.

  6. Mohammed May 7, 2010 at 6:23 pm #

    Hilarious. A few additions if you don’t mind Safwan. The difference between the two elections:

    In Britian: Clegg (equivalent of INA or Kurds), came out early on saying he would attempt to create a coalition with whoever had the largest number of seats. Brown (equivalent of Maliki) announced today he would give Clegg and Cameron (Allawi) however long they needed to come together. Knowing they probably wont come together, he Brown would then ally with Clegg.

    In Iraq: INA or Kurds (LibDems) didn’t say anything about who they would ally with, or at least the principles they would use, after the election results are out (may be because the results were much more unexpected, may be because there are four big groups as oppose to three). Allawi tried to ally with the INA or the Kurds (LibDems) but clearly it didn’t work. Maliki (Brown) then did ally with the INA (LibDems).

    I was going to try to make the point that the unexpected nature of the Iraqi results, as well as the fact there are four main groups in Iraq, while only three here, is what makes it different. The reality is that if Cameron and Clegg don’t ally, and Brown and Clegg do, we could get a very similiar outcome to what we have in Iraq now

  7. Mazin May 8, 2010 at 12:32 am #

    I’d like to add that most Iraqis who have written articles similar to this early morning today, have added the similarity between how Cameron is Thatcher-lite pretending to care for every1 and same goes for Allawi whose Saddam-lite pretending he is on a ‘nationalist’ list as opposed to the others.

  8. Ali_89 May 16, 2010 at 10:37 am #

    Lol well thought out.

  9. Shkara May 20, 2010 at 9:31 am #

    I thought you might like to know that the FT referred to this blog in one of its articles:

    http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/4c9f665c-61c3-11df-aa80-00144feab49a.html

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