I was speaking to a friend of mine who lives in Iraq this morning and he made the mistake of asking me about the state of politics in the UK after he had heard there was an election. This brought out my mischievous side and I decided to fictionally explain it to him, the only way an Iraqi would understand!
So I started off with “You know Ali, the UK has four regions, England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. The Scots in the North barely consider themselves British, they have their own history and culture and they have been oppressed by the English for centuries, they have managed to get autonomy recently and they have their own Parliament. The Welsh have been oppressed but have realised that they can’t do much and decided to ally themselves with the English to a certain extent. Northern Ireland on the other hand is a disaster, the English forced people to move there and displaced the original Irish people and the region has been a disputed area ever since”. To which he replied “That sounds like Iraq!”
I told him it does not end there, “People are very suspicious of their politicians here, Gordon Brown, a Scot, pretends he’s British, but most of the English do not buy it, they all know he has a separatist agenda for the North, and that is why he wins most of Scotland apart from a few constituencies. David Cameron gets the White English Protestant vote, The English, it seems, have gotten fed up with a Scot leading the government, which pushed the Scots and the Welsh to vote against him in large numbers to ensure he does not implement his plan of a more centralised government out of Westminster. Nick Clegg on the other hand, is a more complex character, he claims to be an atheist, but is married to a Catholic lady, and therefore English Catholics favour him, however people are extremely suspicious of him, he has Dutch and Russian ancestry and his wife is Spanish, and while he has denied his desire to join the Euro, his own manifesto and his background have exposed him as a puppet through which the Europeans look to take over Britain. Moreover, people are extremely anxious that he would be taking orders from the German Pope!”.
“What about Northern Ireland?” he asked. I explained “The Irish had boycotted the political process before and some still refuse to sit in parliament when they get elected and they largely vote along ethnic and sectarian lines too”.
“So what happened with the elections?” he wondered. I answered “Allawi, it is a total mess. No party won a majority, Gordon Brown came in second place and he is refusing to concede and will try everything to hang on to power, David Cameron won most seats and is claiming that he has the right to form the government but it seems that Brown will ally himself with Nick Clegg and agree on making England and Wales a Catholic state ruled by Brussels and the Vatican, while Brown furthers his separatist cause in Scotland, pushing Cameron aside and reducing him to the role of leader of the opposition”.
Ali went quiet, I told him “I wish it stopped there, there have been complaints of fraud and denying the people the right to vote, as there are reports voters were turned away because of the long queues and some polling stations had not updated their voters’ lists. All party leaders have cried foul of the practices and there may be legal challenges against the Electoral Commission”.
Ali could not contain himself any longer and finally shouted “No wonder we have all these problems in Iraq, we’ve learnt it all from you!!!”
PS: The characters and events above are purely fictional. Any similarities between them and real individuals and events are purely coincidental!