How do I find an Iraqi wife?

It’s a question that many have asked before, a search that has left many lost and dumbfounded. And my friend (from ‘How do I meet Iraqis’) was no different. But this time, in answering him, I could not be prescriptive in so sensitive a manner. Instead I thought I’d catalogue the options now before my ever increasingly desperate friend.

There’s what some people term the ‘traditional’ way (traditional means different things to different people). What I mean by it here is that a guy asks his parents (usually the mum), to go find him a wife. She spends her time going to parties, staring at girls in majalis, looking through albums of photos and possibly even creating a facebook account (you’d be surprised). Eventually she finds her prey, circles them in an attempt to gather information and shares it with her son. If they agree, they pounce with a series of get-to-know-each-other meetings (unless they’re very traditional), and then follows the sharbat, khutuba and aqid (juice, proposal and engagement!).

Then there is the ‘liberal’ way, once again a whole range of approaches. What unifies them is an open approach to how the initial introduction is made, for example dating, before any parental involvement and the choice, at least initially, is made independent of parental involvement.

Then there are a whole series of approaches in between. One new and interesting such method is to ask a friend, already married, to invite one his wife’s friend over and meet in their house.

But that doesn’t answer the initial question, how do you find the person in the first place. If you’re lucky, university (ULSOP is your best bet!), at a social event or just a friends recommendation.The main point I made to my friend is that he can’t just sit at home and hope for the best. If he doesn’t like the traditional way, if he’s not happy with the choices his mum brings him he’s got to take a more proactive policy. Attend charity events, join your family on visits, become best friends with your sister. Ultimately while qisma (loosely translated as fate) plays a big part in these things, you don’t get an epiphany in the middle of the night. It’s not easy, but not impossible. It’s the only way that’s worked for others before.

But if you think all of this is very hard and complicated, just imagine yourself on the other side of the aisle. I have written this from a male perspective, not because I am sexist, but because I have no idea what it’s like on the other side. The reality of British Iraqi culture is still traditional in the sense that it is the man who always makes the approach. Even though I have never experienced it, the idea of waiting for that approach seems even worse than the dilemma of ‘how do I find a wife’.

I know I haven’t said much here, just pointed out some realities. I leave the discussion to you…